http://www.okcupid.com/profile/prgoddess18

Dear Athena,

I happened upon your profile and was immediately struck with a wave of disappointment. It was my intention, upon joining this humble online dating site, to meet an authentic Greek goddess, and the pleasure I received upon reading your username could only be described as Caligulian! To imagine, a Greek goddess walking amongst us, and after millennia sharing the company and beds of her fellow gods, the pinnacles of creation, she deigns to bestow upon we, the lonely, the meek and fleshy members of humanity, the promise of an awkward coffee date and possibly some emotionally degrading casual sex in a Starbucks bathroom- we are not worthy! But no! Torn asunder was my heart upon reading the first line of your profile, for while your name is Athena, you proclaim no association with the goddess of war, strategy, and justice.

My hope for our shared future is renewed as I read on, though wounded from earlier deceit. You are gifted with what’s likely a voice beyond compare, or how else would you have been able to enter into showcases, competitions, etc.? What’s more, you have a delicious taste for the macabre, with your love of horror movies and vampire books, no doubt delving deep into tales with rich storytelling and transformative themes which touch the reader deeply. You declare yourself to be a strong woman, but with a softer, gentler side, and that reaches into my heart and warms the cockles- I begin to entertain notions of our future together.

You’re an educated lass, but still focused on your dreams and ambitions, and I appreciate that. I imagine us summering in our house by a lake, me working in my study while you hone your craft by studying the greats of television; reruns of Jersey Shore echo through our walls. Adding to that, you’ve focused yourself wholly on the skills which will take you swiftly into your dream job- singing, of course, as well as texting and chatting. The latter two, while they may seem like less of a skill and more of a way to pass time, are absolutely essential in networking, which for any entertainment field is key. Clearly you understand all about modern social dynamics, and I can only assume you’ve studied the great social and moral philosophers of our time and times past.

It piques my curiosity why you should list your blond hair and your style before your eyes among the things people usually notice about you, as your eyes are what first drew me in. The subtle flame of brilliance flickering within them gives me much joy, and the way you’ve decorated the top and side of your cheek to appear as if you cry tears of blood- oh! My heart leaps, wishing to take you in my arms and give you everything you’ve ever wanted; you deserve only the best of this world for all the hardship you’ve undoubtedly endured.

Your tastes are varied and interesting, and lead me to believe that you live a life filled with all the wonder that the arts can provide. Your tastes in film are so vast that they defy definition, and in music they are thoroughly post-modern, blending the old with the new to create a distinction of character as it relates to said art form. In food, you are doubtlessly a gourmet, as only a true master of the culinary would be able to articulate her desires as they regard her hunger so succinctly. Bravo! My lady, bravo!

I was thrown for a loop by your “private thing”, though- I was under the impression that you were a natural blonde. I assumed that you dyed your eyebrows a darker color, and not your hair, and that in your last photograph (where a bit of boasting never hurt anyone- congratulations on the cover!) the entirety of your hair was dyed to follow suit. Never did it cross my mind that your hair was actually dark, and that you might lighten it. Fear not, dearest- I would never tell a soul, you have my word as a gentleman.

In my heart of hearts I know the truth is that you are my superior by far, oh fairest, but I do petition you with such love that I know we must be made for each other. I am a lover of music, our interests are practically identical, my conversational acuity is unparalleled, and I have the most funny in all the land. I was unabashed in my quest, from the moment I gazed upon your profile, oh loveliest, to win your heart. Now I come to you from the deepest parts of my very being begging you to take me as your own, for I alone knew that when you composed this profile, you did it for me. Each sentence, each word, they all spoke directly to my core. You knew, however, that I’d be shy. You knew I would need an extra push to answer the call. You knew that there would be one way to trap me in your web of love.

You ensured our destiny when you pressed Caps Lock.

Sincerely,

Your Unsent Admirer